


It's Okay

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Moving on after death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 06:13:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9479015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry ;)





	

“Kid,” Morgan said as he knocked on the door. “I know how you feel, but you have to let us in some time. We’re here when you need us.” Two weeks ago, just weeks before her 34th birthday and his 37th, Spencer’s wife, Y/N had been shot and killed in the field. He hadn’t left the apartment since.

Since that night in the hospital, when he’d seen the light leave her eyes, his life hadn’t returned. Ever since, he felt numb. Walking around the apartment in a daze. The first night, he’d cried his eyes out, and since, he couldn’t cry anymore. It had been days since he showered - his hair greasy and falling over in his face. He knew he couldn’t stay in his apartment forever, but he still couldn’t get himself to leave. Instead, he clutched their wedding picture in his hands. In however many years he had left on this earth, he’d never forget how beautiful she looked that day, and every day since. As he went to lie down, a drop of water fell on the frame - he thought he couldn’t cry anymore.

————–

Ten days later, it was Y/N’s birthday. The day before, Spencer had been feeling like he might want to get outside, but when he remembered it was Y/N’s birthday, he collapsed in the middle of the floor and sobbed for hours, ending any possibility of him going out that day. 

Only four days later, it was Spencer’s birthday.

Knock. Knock.

“Kid,” Morgan said from outside the door, “Everyone is here and we wanna take you out for your birthday. Open up.” Thankfully, Spencer had showered that morning, which was a good thing because he had absolutely no desire to do it right now. Without saying a word, he let everyone into the apartment and went to his room to get changed, coming out in a pair of jeans, muted red t-shirt and a black blazer. 

After they sat down at the table, the team attempted to get Spencer to talk. He said a few words here and there, but not much else. When the employees at the restaurant came over, cake in hand and singing happy birthday, Spencer began to cry. Along with Todd, one of his and Y/N’s friends at the restaurant, came a letter from him to Spencer.

“What is this?” Spencer asked, confused at the piece of paper in Todd’s hand.

“Just take it,” he replied. “I was supposed to give it to you if Y/N ever passed away.”

A tear slipped from his eye onto the paper in his hand as he opened it. “What does it say?” Garcia asked misty-eyed. He read aloud.

\----

My dearest Spencer,

We’ve been together since we were kids. Started as best friends, awkwardly got together at 16, joined the Bureau and started a beautiful life together. If you’re reading this, it’s because I’m no longer there. That’s what this letter, and future ones, will be for - to help you move on in the wake of my passing. I know you, and I know that you’ll be devastated over my loss. I am pretty awesome, so I understand, but you’re too young to let my loss derail your entire life. Tonight, I imagine you’re out with everyone. Send them my love. Anyway, I want you to enjoy a piece of that cake we had when we first moved to DC - you know, the unbelievably decadent chocolate layer cake that gave me a foodgasm a la When Harry Met Sally? I want you to eat that. If not for you, then for me. Damn I want that cake now. After that, I want you and everyone else to go to the park a take a walk around the lake. Look around, take some solace under one of the big oak trees, and know I’m right there with you. 

I know your brain and I know you’re going to try and figure out when your next letter is coming, but don’t. It will ruin the spontaneity and that’s the point of this - get you out of that beautiful head of yours. Not in it.

It’s okay to grieve, and it’s okay to move on.

I love you, 

Y/N

\----

Folding the letter carefully so as not to damage it, Spencer put it in his pocket, but not before quite a few tears fell onto the worn parchment. Without ordering, Todd brought him a piece of cake, and with the slightest smile, he took a bite, bringing to mind the way Y/N’s eyes rolled into the back of her head when she’d taken her first taste.

“Ready to go to the park?” Hotch asked, after they paid the bill. Spencer looked at his friends with guilt, like they didn’t need to go with him, but Hotch read his mind. “Of course we’re going with you.” As they stood up from the table, Hotch clapped him on the back. “We’ll always be with you.”

————–

A month later, Spencer had been back to work, but he was by no means okay. Every day, he woke up and for a split second, he felt that she wasn’t gone; he felt like he could breathe again. It would always feel like she was right next to him, but when he’d turn to the side, she wouldn’t be there.

It was the weekend. The team wanted him to go out, get out of the apartment. For the past week or so he’d been isolating himself again, but he had no desire to get out. All of a sudden, he heard a knock at the door.

“Spencer,” he heard from outside the door. It sounded a lot like Y/N, just older. His mother-in-law?

“Mom?” he called as he opened the door. “What are you doing here?” 

“I’m here to give you this,” she said, handing him an envelope. “Call me after you read it, okay? I love you.”

“I love you, too, Mom,” he cracked. “I’ll talk to you later.”

As he returned to the couch, he opened the envelope. 

\---

My forever love,

My second letter. Brought to you by my mother. Since we were kids, she hoped we’d be together. Well, she got her wish. Although she didn’t want to think about the possibility, I insisted she hold my second letter for you. Remember how we always talked about going to Italy one day? I wanted to get in touch with my roots? Well, you’re going. With my mom and dad. They’re going to introduce you to the land of my relatives and because I’m always with you, I’ll be able to go there too. If you haven’t seen it already, inside the envelope is a plane ticket. My mom actually put it there, probably recently, but you know what I mean. I need you to go. I need you to realize that it is okay to do things that remind you of me without feeling guilty about it. I want you to go. Take some time off. Tell Hotch the order was from me, I don’t think he’ll disobey my wishes lest I haunt him from beyond the grave. When you get over there, have some lemon gelato for me. I’ve always wanted to try it. Remember, no matter where you go, I’ll be there and my parents will always love you. Have fun and remember…

It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to move on.

I love you,

Y/N

\---

At Y/N’s behest, Spencer walked into work the next day and asked for two weeks off. When he asked why, Spencer showed him the letter. “She’s right,” he said, “I wouldn’t want her to haunt me from the grave - and I know she would.”

That Friday, he was on the plane to Italy with his mother and father-in-law, and as soon as they touched the ground, the headed to the gelato shop next to the hotel. The fresh, cold lemon taste coated his tongue, bringing a smile to his face as he thought of what Y/N would’ve thought. Foodgasm came to mind.

————–

Upon his return home, Spencer returned to work with pictures and stories of his late wife’s homeland. “So how are you feeling?” Morgan asked as he rifled through the pictures. “How’re you in-laws?”

“They’re pretty okay actually. They miss her, as we all do, but they also know she wouldn’t want anyone wallowing in sadness, so they do their best to move past it. Frankly, they are better at it than I am,” Spencer replied. “As for me…I still need time. I don’t know how long it’s going to be before I can look at her picture without my heart dropping. Maybe it never will, but I need time.”

————–

Week after week went by until it had been almost three months since his last letter, when all of a sudden it came to him. This time, courtesy of JJ. “Hey, Spence. This is from Y/N. I have no idea what it says, but she told me, you might need us after this one, so do you want me to stay while you read it?” He shook his head, inviting her into the apartment as he unfolded the letter, staring at his love’s familiar handwriting. Again, he read it aloud for JJ to hear.

\----

Hi honey,

If I know you, and after nearly 30 years together, as friends and lovers, I think I do, your spirits picked up a bit after the last letter, but our anniversary is in a few weeks and I wanted this to be done before then, when your mood will undoubtedly dip down again…

For a second, he turned away from the letter, laughing at how well his wife knew him. 

That’s why this letter came now. I know you. You know sitting around my things isn’t healthy for you. Sure, there are things you’ll always want to keep, but my clothes? My crap jewelry? The painting on the wall that I love and you hate? There’s no need for these things to remain holding you down. I’m gone. Keep my wedding dress. Keep our childhood pictures together. Keep my good jewelry (if for no other reason than to hock that shit if you ever need money), but don’t keep the unnecessary garbage, just because it’s mine. That’s why I asked JJ to stay - and to have everyone else on call. I know it’s going to be difficult to throw out my things, but they’ll be there to help you, and it needs to be done. I’ll always be with you, whenever you need me. 

Remember…It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to move on.

I love you,

Y/N

\----

“Tomorrow?” Spence asked as he turned to JJ.

She got up from the couch, kissing his forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow. With everyone else in tow.”

————–

The next day, JJ, Morgan, Garcia, Emily, Hotch and Rossi all showed up at Spencer’s door, ready to help in any way they could. When he agreed to this, it was because he had just read the letter and wanted to do what she’d asked of him, but now, seeing them in his apartment, Spencer nearly broke down. He couldn’t do this, could he? Get rid of the remnants of the life they once lived?

However, silently, they made their way into the apartment and over the next couple of hours, they put her clothes into donation bags, her fake jewelry in the garbage, and that painting he hated off the wall. As they were saying goodbye, Spencer panicked, unable (or so he thought) to let go of the past. He collapsed into Morgan’s shoulder, sobbing, but no one left - and no one said a word. After the tears had dried, they took her things with them and when the door closed, somehow, he felt lighter.

————–

In less than a month, it would be a year since she’d passed. Every day was a little bit better than the last. He still saw his in-laws all the time - and every day he still grieved, but it was getting better. Months upon months had passed between the letters this time, but this time, he found the letter himself.

\----

My Predictable Husband,

You’re looking in the wedding album, aren’t you? Haven’t been able to since my funeral? This will be my last letter. My first memory of you was when we were four and you were pushing me on the swing. In my own four-year-old way, I knew I loved you then. Over the next 30 years, you were my best friend, my confidant and the absolute love of my life. It was an honor to have been your wife - to spend what little time I had with you. I was who I was because you loved me and for that I will always love you. My last wish for you is this…don’t close yourself off to the idea of love again. One day, some lucky lady will come across the beautiful BAU doctor and fall in love with his smiling eyes and fluffy hair. Let her in. I want you to be happy and if you find someone else that makes you happy, take that chance and run with it - and know I’ll be there cheering you on.

Keep these letters. Re-read them occasionally, but don’t let our memories hold you down - let them lift you up to higher places. Remember…

It’s okay to grieve, even years down the road, and it’s okay that you’re moving on.

I love you always,

Y/N

\----

As he turned the paper over, reading the last words she’d ever say to him, he sobbed, crying out in the middle of the room and looking up to the ceiling. Instead of talking to her, he picked up a pen, writing back.

\----

My beautiful, perfect, forever love,

One day, I may fall in love again, but not now. For now, I’ll focus on other kinds of love. Familial, platonic, love of nature. I’ll take in the beauty of the world because you’d want me to and eventually I’ll start to see it again. I was a better man because of you and I have been honored to be your husband. When you died, a piece of me died too, but you brought me back from the brink of insanity and for that I will always love you. You took the time to write to me, so I’ll keep you updated. No matter where I go, who I’m with…just please don’t leave. I hope to feel your presence around me until my dying breath. I’ll write soon.

I’m starting to move passed it, however I’m not quite there yet. Thank you for convincing me it’ll be okay.

I’ll always love you,

Spencer


End file.
